My interview with coach Paul Rhodes of ISU
Posted 10-23-2009 at 03:25 PM by GhostofBTT
As an honored and respected journalist, I often have the pleasure of sitting down and talking with the best and brightest in the world of college sports. This time, unfortunately, it was none of those things. Still, Paul had some pretty interesting things to say. Enjoy my chat with the Cyclone coach.
BTT: Coach Rhodes, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking a few minutes to talk with me.
PR: Aww heck, it’s nothing really. Happy to do it.
BTT: I imagine with your busy schedule, it is tough to find time to sit down for an interview.
PR: Well, I mean, I’m not that busy! The next game doesn’t start for a few days now.
BTT: Well obviously coach, the team doesn’t play until Saturday, but I imagine you have been working very hard to get this team ready to play.
PR: Uh, sure, whatever you say.
BTT: Ummm, thanks? Anyways, it must be a thrill for you to move back to central Iowa where you grew up. The people of Ankeny must be very proud of you!
PR: Stankeny? That’s right! I bet they are surprised that ol’ Gravel Rhodes went and made something out of himself. Yup, that oughta fix their wagons real good.
BTT: Gravel Rhodes, coach? Was that a nickname you had growing up?
PR: Yeah, they called me that. The thing is, I used to eat little rocks when I was a kid, and other kids would make fun of me. Little did they know it was good for me!
BTT: You ate gravel on purpose?
PR: That’s right. See, for a little while, my teacher moved me up to the middle reading group, and I read this book about how birds eat rocks to help them eat their food. I figured if it were good enough for a bird, it was good enough for me. I have been doing it ever since, although I still ain’t learned to fly yet.
BTT: I hate to tell you this coach, but eating gravel doesn’t help you with digestion.
PR: No son, I remember this book quite well, see…
BTT: Sorry to interrupt coach, but while it is true that some birds eat rocks to help them digest food, you cannot do that. You see, birds have a special organ called a gizzard…
PR: You mean that show with the General Lee?
BTT: No coach, that’s the Dukes of Hazzard. A gizzard is like a second stomach that grinds up the seeds a bird eats. The reason they eat rocks is to help grind the food up.
PR: Really? Golly son, you sure know a lot about birds and stuff.
BTT: Funny you should say that. See, my father was an Ornithologist, so I read a bunch
of books about birds as a kid.
PR: An Ornithologist! (Slaps his knee) I bet you had to get braces as a kid!
BTT: Yeah sure, moving on coach, this team…
PR: (Coach Rhodes has lifted up his shirt) Tell me kid, where is my gizzard?
BTT: Coach, please pull down your shirt.
PR: Just tell me!
BTT: Coach, you don’t have a gizzard!
PR: What are you, a doctor? Where did all of my rocks go?
BTT: (Befuddled, I point to a random spot on his abdomen) Right there coach. Your gizzard is right there.
(Coach Rhodes tries unsuccessfully to put his ear to the place I just pointed out)
BTT: Coach, if I may, I have a question about your team.
PR: Tell me about it!
BTT: (confused) OK, well tell me coach, how do you approach the challenge of leading a struggling Iowa State team into future success?
PR: I don’t look at us as a struggling team. We are a team that is ready to win!
BTT: Well that may be so, but this team has only won 5 games in the previous two years. Not exactly a golden age of Cyclone football.
PR: More like a bronze age. Hear that? I have heard of the Bronze Age!
BTT: Oh no.
PR: See kid, the way I look at it, I am gosh-darned lucky to be coaching one of the top college football teams in the whole U.S. of A.
BTT: You don’t hesitate to call yourselves one of the top programs in the country?
PR: Kid, there are literally millions of college football teams in this country and Hawaii. My team is in the top 250, so I think that means something.
BTT: That is a broad criteria coach. By that logic, I could say that The Detroit Lions are one of the top professional football teams in the country!
PR: Darn right they are! You know, before I became coach here at Iowa Cyclone University, I applied to be the coach of the Lions.
BTT: Really? That is interesting coach. Why were you attracted to the professional game?
PR: Actually, I just wanted the job in Detroit. A friend of mine sold me some riverside propert there. It is a really cool place. It used to be a paint factory, but now it is an abandoned paint factory!
BTT: Were you a serious candidate for the position?
PR: You bet I was! They didn’t hire me, but they did send me a letter telling me they were keeping my resume’ on file, and they would call me if something became available in the future. It doesn’t get any better than that! Maybe someday I will go and coach in Detroit. You know, somewhere nice where I can retire.
BTT: But first things first, focusing on Iowa State right?
PR: Of course! In fact, maybe when I win the Big XII title (note: Coach Rhodes pronounced Big XII as “Big Ex-Eye-Eye”) with the Tornados, I might move up to Detroit and win a Super Bowls or two.
BTT: Let’s move onto this season’s Cyclone team. You must be excited to see how Austin Arnaud functions in the new offense.
PR: I’m sorry who?
BTT: Austin Arnaud? Your quarterback.
PR: (laughing) Is that seriously his name?
BTT: Coach, please don’t tell me you don’t know…
PR: Arnaud? Our nod! I bet he nods a lot! (Coach Rhodes stands up and begins to nod repeatedly) Hi, I’m Mr. Our Nod! Nice to meet you! Nod if you agree!
(Coach Rhodes begins to laugh uncontrollably for over a minute)
PR: (Settling down) Oh ,boy, you really got me that time!
BTT: (Sounding suddenly defeated) OK coach, if we can’t discuss Austin Arn….Austin, tell me about the players you are excited about.
PR: Man, I don’t know. I met a few of them at that reporters thingee, but I don’t know everyone. Coach Pollard told me not to worry about that kind of stuff.
BTT: Wait. You haven’t even met your own players? The season is halfway over! How is this…? What were you doing during practice all season?
PR: Practicing, duh. (Rolls eyes)
BTT: But how could you have not learned anything about your team during that time?
PR: Minesweeper. Difficulty Easy. Time, 17 minutes and 36 seconds. Beat that hot shot!
BTT: Although I am sure I heard it correctly, I need to hear it again to believe it. Are you telling me that you spent all of this season playing Minesweeper?
PR: Nope. I spent this season kicking butt in Minesweeper!
BTT: Coach, this is a serious situation. If you were not in charge of the team, who the heck was?
PR: I already told you, Coach Pollard was!
BTT: Coach Pollard? Do you mean Jamie Pollard, the Athletic Director?
PR: Yup, he’s the boss. What he says goes. Heck of a nice guy though. He says that if I stop asking stupid questions, he’ll take me to the Fair next year!
BTT: This is unbelievable! Jamie Pollard is coaching the team in secret! How could you allow him to do this to you! It’s your team, why would you give it to that guy! You need to assert your authority over your team.
PR: Have you ever coached a football team?
BTT: No, I guess not, but what diff…
PR: If you haven’t coached a football team, then what right do you have telling me how to do my job?
BTT: Coach…heck, should I even call you that? Paul! I am not telling you how to do your job; I am telling you to actually do your job!
PR: Let me ask you this kid, and I am serious. If you had no responsibilities in life, and were free to chase what you loved, what would you do?
BTT: What does this have…
PR: C’mon kid, just answer the question.
BTT: Well, I don’t know. (Pause) I guess I would want to do something to help animals, or something like that, maybe an animal rescue.
PR: Because you want to make the world a better place?
BTT: Yeah, I guess so.
PR: Well, me too kid. Except I have a chance to make the world a better place. Coach Pollard has given me a gift; he has given me the gift of time. He coaches the team, and I am free to make the world a better place.
BTT: Well coach, I guess when you put it that way, it is actually kind of inspiring. What have you been doing to make the world a better place?
PR: Do you ever listen kid? I am sweeping the world of mines. Did you know that when a mine explodes somewhere in the world, it makes a bunch of smiley faces go away?
BTT: (I sigh and facepalm) OK, that’s all I can handle…
PR: George Handle. Famous music guy. I have totally heard of him.
BTT: (Shouting) SHUT IT DOWN!
BTT: Coach Rhodes, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking a few minutes to talk with me.
PR: Aww heck, it’s nothing really. Happy to do it.
BTT: I imagine with your busy schedule, it is tough to find time to sit down for an interview.
PR: Well, I mean, I’m not that busy! The next game doesn’t start for a few days now.
BTT: Well obviously coach, the team doesn’t play until Saturday, but I imagine you have been working very hard to get this team ready to play.
PR: Uh, sure, whatever you say.
BTT: Ummm, thanks? Anyways, it must be a thrill for you to move back to central Iowa where you grew up. The people of Ankeny must be very proud of you!
PR: Stankeny? That’s right! I bet they are surprised that ol’ Gravel Rhodes went and made something out of himself. Yup, that oughta fix their wagons real good.
BTT: Gravel Rhodes, coach? Was that a nickname you had growing up?
PR: Yeah, they called me that. The thing is, I used to eat little rocks when I was a kid, and other kids would make fun of me. Little did they know it was good for me!
BTT: You ate gravel on purpose?
PR: That’s right. See, for a little while, my teacher moved me up to the middle reading group, and I read this book about how birds eat rocks to help them eat their food. I figured if it were good enough for a bird, it was good enough for me. I have been doing it ever since, although I still ain’t learned to fly yet.
BTT: I hate to tell you this coach, but eating gravel doesn’t help you with digestion.
PR: No son, I remember this book quite well, see…
BTT: Sorry to interrupt coach, but while it is true that some birds eat rocks to help them digest food, you cannot do that. You see, birds have a special organ called a gizzard…
PR: You mean that show with the General Lee?
BTT: No coach, that’s the Dukes of Hazzard. A gizzard is like a second stomach that grinds up the seeds a bird eats. The reason they eat rocks is to help grind the food up.
PR: Really? Golly son, you sure know a lot about birds and stuff.
BTT: Funny you should say that. See, my father was an Ornithologist, so I read a bunch
of books about birds as a kid.
PR: An Ornithologist! (Slaps his knee) I bet you had to get braces as a kid!
BTT: Yeah sure, moving on coach, this team…
PR: (Coach Rhodes has lifted up his shirt) Tell me kid, where is my gizzard?
BTT: Coach, please pull down your shirt.
PR: Just tell me!
BTT: Coach, you don’t have a gizzard!
PR: What are you, a doctor? Where did all of my rocks go?
BTT: (Befuddled, I point to a random spot on his abdomen) Right there coach. Your gizzard is right there.
(Coach Rhodes tries unsuccessfully to put his ear to the place I just pointed out)
BTT: Coach, if I may, I have a question about your team.
PR: Tell me about it!
BTT: (confused) OK, well tell me coach, how do you approach the challenge of leading a struggling Iowa State team into future success?
PR: I don’t look at us as a struggling team. We are a team that is ready to win!
BTT: Well that may be so, but this team has only won 5 games in the previous two years. Not exactly a golden age of Cyclone football.
PR: More like a bronze age. Hear that? I have heard of the Bronze Age!
BTT: Oh no.
PR: See kid, the way I look at it, I am gosh-darned lucky to be coaching one of the top college football teams in the whole U.S. of A.
BTT: You don’t hesitate to call yourselves one of the top programs in the country?
PR: Kid, there are literally millions of college football teams in this country and Hawaii. My team is in the top 250, so I think that means something.
BTT: That is a broad criteria coach. By that logic, I could say that The Detroit Lions are one of the top professional football teams in the country!
PR: Darn right they are! You know, before I became coach here at Iowa Cyclone University, I applied to be the coach of the Lions.
BTT: Really? That is interesting coach. Why were you attracted to the professional game?
PR: Actually, I just wanted the job in Detroit. A friend of mine sold me some riverside propert there. It is a really cool place. It used to be a paint factory, but now it is an abandoned paint factory!
BTT: Were you a serious candidate for the position?
PR: You bet I was! They didn’t hire me, but they did send me a letter telling me they were keeping my resume’ on file, and they would call me if something became available in the future. It doesn’t get any better than that! Maybe someday I will go and coach in Detroit. You know, somewhere nice where I can retire.
BTT: But first things first, focusing on Iowa State right?
PR: Of course! In fact, maybe when I win the Big XII title (note: Coach Rhodes pronounced Big XII as “Big Ex-Eye-Eye”) with the Tornados, I might move up to Detroit and win a Super Bowls or two.
BTT: Let’s move onto this season’s Cyclone team. You must be excited to see how Austin Arnaud functions in the new offense.
PR: I’m sorry who?
BTT: Austin Arnaud? Your quarterback.
PR: (laughing) Is that seriously his name?
BTT: Coach, please don’t tell me you don’t know…
PR: Arnaud? Our nod! I bet he nods a lot! (Coach Rhodes stands up and begins to nod repeatedly) Hi, I’m Mr. Our Nod! Nice to meet you! Nod if you agree!
(Coach Rhodes begins to laugh uncontrollably for over a minute)
PR: (Settling down) Oh ,boy, you really got me that time!
BTT: (Sounding suddenly defeated) OK coach, if we can’t discuss Austin Arn….Austin, tell me about the players you are excited about.
PR: Man, I don’t know. I met a few of them at that reporters thingee, but I don’t know everyone. Coach Pollard told me not to worry about that kind of stuff.
BTT: Wait. You haven’t even met your own players? The season is halfway over! How is this…? What were you doing during practice all season?
PR: Practicing, duh. (Rolls eyes)
BTT: But how could you have not learned anything about your team during that time?
PR: Minesweeper. Difficulty Easy. Time, 17 minutes and 36 seconds. Beat that hot shot!
BTT: Although I am sure I heard it correctly, I need to hear it again to believe it. Are you telling me that you spent all of this season playing Minesweeper?
PR: Nope. I spent this season kicking butt in Minesweeper!
BTT: Coach, this is a serious situation. If you were not in charge of the team, who the heck was?
PR: I already told you, Coach Pollard was!
BTT: Coach Pollard? Do you mean Jamie Pollard, the Athletic Director?
PR: Yup, he’s the boss. What he says goes. Heck of a nice guy though. He says that if I stop asking stupid questions, he’ll take me to the Fair next year!
BTT: This is unbelievable! Jamie Pollard is coaching the team in secret! How could you allow him to do this to you! It’s your team, why would you give it to that guy! You need to assert your authority over your team.
PR: Have you ever coached a football team?
BTT: No, I guess not, but what diff…
PR: If you haven’t coached a football team, then what right do you have telling me how to do my job?
BTT: Coach…heck, should I even call you that? Paul! I am not telling you how to do your job; I am telling you to actually do your job!
PR: Let me ask you this kid, and I am serious. If you had no responsibilities in life, and were free to chase what you loved, what would you do?
BTT: What does this have…
PR: C’mon kid, just answer the question.
BTT: Well, I don’t know. (Pause) I guess I would want to do something to help animals, or something like that, maybe an animal rescue.
PR: Because you want to make the world a better place?
BTT: Yeah, I guess so.
PR: Well, me too kid. Except I have a chance to make the world a better place. Coach Pollard has given me a gift; he has given me the gift of time. He coaches the team, and I am free to make the world a better place.
BTT: Well coach, I guess when you put it that way, it is actually kind of inspiring. What have you been doing to make the world a better place?
PR: Do you ever listen kid? I am sweeping the world of mines. Did you know that when a mine explodes somewhere in the world, it makes a bunch of smiley faces go away?
BTT: (I sigh and facepalm) OK, that’s all I can handle…
PR: George Handle. Famous music guy. I have totally heard of him.
BTT: (Shouting) SHUT IT DOWN!
Total Comments 1
Comments
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WOW!! Definitely the best one. "Our nod" cracked my **** up! Thanks for that.Posted 10-27-2009 at 02:17 PM by CarrollHawk
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