Underwear sales skyrocket in Iowa on Sunday
Posted 10-26-2009 at 01:41 PM by GhostofBTT
Underwear sales skyrocket in Iowa on Sunday
Newton, Iowa- Wal-Mart assistant manager Perry Lech says he has never seen anything like it throughout his 17 years in retail. "We literally couldn't keep them on the shelves", said Lech. "We ran out of inventory by 1:00 p.m., I have never seen anything like this. We tried to get another truck to come in, but no one has any. I don't know when we will get more".
Lech's story is something familiar to retail workers throughout Iowa on Sunday, as consumers flocked to stores to buy underpants. A statewide shortage developed in the early afternoon as legions of Iowans bought new underpants after many in the state spontaniously ruined many of their existing pairs on Saturday night. Experts have come to agreement that the underwear was ruined as a result of thousands in the state losing bowel control during Saturday's football game between the Iowa Hawkeyes and the Michigan State Spartans.
University of Northern Iowa sociologist Dr. R. Grave Whitingham explain the phenominon as "A mass outbreak of jubilation, which was immediately preceeded by great tension. In such occasions, not only is there the natural effect of great collective relief, but also a loss of inhibitions and the temporary suspension of mores. In layman's terms, everyone was so excited that they crapped their pants in a fury of excitement and relief, and everyone was so happy that they didn't care."
Harried shoppers who braved the lines on Sunday were in agreement. Thomas Power of Indianola admitted to soiling himself late Saturday night. "After that last play man, I just let loose. I didn't even know I did it at first, to be honest with you. It just kind of happened." Tiffany Campbell, a school secretary from Eldridge had a similar tale. "I couldn't believe I crapped my pants. I would have been so embarassed, but my husband, our son, and our nephews all did it too. Luckily we were jumping around", Campbell continued, "Or I would have to buy a new couch too."
Carl Smith of Creston arrived at his local Wal-Mart bright and early, before the crowds. He had a cart full of underpants, apparantly aware that the demand would be high. "Right now, my friends our out hunting in the scraped out undies they wore yesterday." Smith explained further, that "I acctually crapped my pants twice yesterday. I had Taco Bell for lunch, and crapped them the first time during the 3rd quarter of the game. I was kind of expecting that to happen, so it was no big deal. However, after the end of that game, I did it again. I had to stock up now, because who the hell knows what will happen next week against Indiana. Plus, I am going to eat a bunch of deer jerkey"
The residents of Iowa are not the only benefitting from the miracle Hawkeye victory on Saturday. Undergarment manufacturers Hanes and Fruit of the Loom have both reported notable boosts in their stock prices when the markets opened Monday morning. Fruit of the Loom spokesman, the guy in the Apple suit, issued a press release from the company headquarters in Bowling Green, Kentucky praising the Iowa football team. "Much like the Iowa defense, we can handle anything you throw at us."
What the future holds for underwear sales is still a mystery. However, Perry Lech isn't taking any chances. "We don't want to be caught like this again. We have already ordered large shipments for the next four Fridays." As long as the Hawkeye football team keeps scaring the crap out of Iowans, he might just have to.
Newton, Iowa- Wal-Mart assistant manager Perry Lech says he has never seen anything like it throughout his 17 years in retail. "We literally couldn't keep them on the shelves", said Lech. "We ran out of inventory by 1:00 p.m., I have never seen anything like this. We tried to get another truck to come in, but no one has any. I don't know when we will get more".
Lech's story is something familiar to retail workers throughout Iowa on Sunday, as consumers flocked to stores to buy underpants. A statewide shortage developed in the early afternoon as legions of Iowans bought new underpants after many in the state spontaniously ruined many of their existing pairs on Saturday night. Experts have come to agreement that the underwear was ruined as a result of thousands in the state losing bowel control during Saturday's football game between the Iowa Hawkeyes and the Michigan State Spartans.
University of Northern Iowa sociologist Dr. R. Grave Whitingham explain the phenominon as "A mass outbreak of jubilation, which was immediately preceeded by great tension. In such occasions, not only is there the natural effect of great collective relief, but also a loss of inhibitions and the temporary suspension of mores. In layman's terms, everyone was so excited that they crapped their pants in a fury of excitement and relief, and everyone was so happy that they didn't care."
Harried shoppers who braved the lines on Sunday were in agreement. Thomas Power of Indianola admitted to soiling himself late Saturday night. "After that last play man, I just let loose. I didn't even know I did it at first, to be honest with you. It just kind of happened." Tiffany Campbell, a school secretary from Eldridge had a similar tale. "I couldn't believe I crapped my pants. I would have been so embarassed, but my husband, our son, and our nephews all did it too. Luckily we were jumping around", Campbell continued, "Or I would have to buy a new couch too."
Carl Smith of Creston arrived at his local Wal-Mart bright and early, before the crowds. He had a cart full of underpants, apparantly aware that the demand would be high. "Right now, my friends our out hunting in the scraped out undies they wore yesterday." Smith explained further, that "I acctually crapped my pants twice yesterday. I had Taco Bell for lunch, and crapped them the first time during the 3rd quarter of the game. I was kind of expecting that to happen, so it was no big deal. However, after the end of that game, I did it again. I had to stock up now, because who the hell knows what will happen next week against Indiana. Plus, I am going to eat a bunch of deer jerkey"
The residents of Iowa are not the only benefitting from the miracle Hawkeye victory on Saturday. Undergarment manufacturers Hanes and Fruit of the Loom have both reported notable boosts in their stock prices when the markets opened Monday morning. Fruit of the Loom spokesman, the guy in the Apple suit, issued a press release from the company headquarters in Bowling Green, Kentucky praising the Iowa football team. "Much like the Iowa defense, we can handle anything you throw at us."
What the future holds for underwear sales is still a mystery. However, Perry Lech isn't taking any chances. "We don't want to be caught like this again. We have already ordered large shipments for the next four Fridays." As long as the Hawkeye football team keeps scaring the crap out of Iowans, he might just have to.
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Comments
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That was good my friend....I'm sure that took quite a while to put together and I appreciate the laugh.Posted 10-26-2009 at 05:07 PM by Corbin09
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