A USC Homer Breaks Down the BCS
by, 10-27-2009 at 08:51 AM (1899 Views)
[size=2]What up! Hail the men from Troy! WOOOOOOO!
How's it going everybody? My name Seth Debranovich, I am 27 years old, King of the Inland Empire, and the the worlds biggest USC fan! WOOOO! USC means vic-to-ry baby!
All of my friends are telling me, Seth, you are the smartest guy we know. I don't understand this queer BCS ****, and I need you to lay it out for me.' Well, at first I didn't know. How can one really get a system where they let homos like Florida and Alabama ahead of the mighty Trojans? I never thought I would understand it. I thought it would be easier to learn to read the Chinese tattoo on the back of my girlfriends neck.
However, sitting in traffic on I-10 for two hours after my cell phone died the other day, I got drunk and I had a chance to do some serious thinking. Just before I discovered an exhaust leak was pumping smoke into my El Camino, I figured out how the BCS works, and how it is always so unfair to teams like USC.
First of all, we have all of these humans right. These guys are usually egg head jerks who think they are smarter than me. Well guess what dude, just because you went to some fancy college doesn't make you better than me. I have set foot numerous times on the campus of the bestest college in the world, the University of South California while delivering pizza, so I think I know a little more about college and football than you ever will.
Anyways, where do all of these losers live? New York City. And which colleges are around New York City? Florida and Alabama. It is so freaking obvious that these vote guys only pick Florida and Alabama because they are like, right next door. And of course, out here in L.A., we don't have any newspapers, because all of our writers don't waste their time on football, they are busy writing some of the greatest movies ever made, like Transformers.
Another reason why they hate USC? Pete Carroll. They are all so jealous of him. The greatest coach of all time. I have been the world's biggest USC fan since 2002, and I have never seen him do anything wrong. He is quite possibly the perfect man, and those writers are so jealous of that that they punish the team. That's pretty uncool man. They shouldn't have to pay because Coach Pete is one of the sexiest men in America. The team should be judged on how awesome they clearly are, not because they are confused about the gay fantasies I have with the coach.
Of course, they keep bringing up this bull**** stuff about USC losing to Washington, like it matters. Who cares? Even the best teams lose sometimes. Just because they lost to Washington doesn't mean Washington is better than them! U-Dub sucks dude. Hard Core! You try winning a game without Matt Barkley. How hard would that be to do? That is like trying to land on the moon without Louis Armstrong. Nearly impossible.
How freaking obvious does it have to be? Who wins in a game between USC and Florida? USC by 20. USC-Alabama? USC by 35. USC-Texas? Not without Vince Young and Mack Brown obviously cheating the whole time, USC by 49. USC-Iowa? What the hell is Iowa? How is USC even going to play my car speakers?
In case the voters need more convicncing that USC is awesome, here is the case. Look how awesome we have been for 10 years. Clearly we should have won the national championship al of those years. Last year, we were the best team in the country, so we clearly are this year; It doesn't matter that we lost our best players on both sides of the ball. The games are played in living rooms, not on fields. Are chicks are hotter. Our band is almost as awesome as Tesla. Our quarterback and coach are the two hottest guys on the planet. We sell more window flags than anyone else. Plus, we represent L.A., the capital of California and the greatest city in the world.
There is another part of this equation that I have to get to before I sell this weed. These freaking computers. Who decided to give a computer a vote? How is that even possible? Computers have two uses; One is Red Tube, two is Craigslist. Anything else I don't trust. I was looking at this, and these computers rank USC 9? 9? That has got to be the crack babies of computers man? Are those things even watching the game?
Here is the scenario. Some virgin loser from Boise goes in and tells the computer what to think. What does some computer dork even know about football? I learned more about football than that loser the 1/2 season of varsity I played in high school before I failed the drug test. I say USC is #1. Why does he get a vote and I don't.
Yo brah, I got to go now, because I am getting carjacked. Go Trojans! Ohio State sucks! Whoooo![/size]