Big Ten Traditions I Made Up (and you should follow too)
by, 08-31-2010 at 10:39 PM (482 Views)
With the major minds in the Big Ten wikkiup rewriting cherished traditions like changing “The Game” to a game, or dumping the “You’d think a brass bull would have a brass package Trophy,” it’s pretty obvious someone with a sense of history and decorum needs to come up with some new ones. That would be me.
Actually, last year I began to establish B10 traditions that will last a lifetime, or until they don’t apply anymore. By B10 traditions I mean Iowa traditions, of course. Go Hawks, Awesome... and mostly these are things to do during the game to help you forget your butt is going numb on those torture devices they call bleachers in Kinnick. The good news, turns out, they work great whilst lazing in a Barcolounger at home as well.
Unlike rivalries and trophies you can only look at, these are things you can personally do to honor your Iowa Hawkeyes, and when you can get 4 to 8 people doing them together it is epic. Here are the two traditions I thought up for 2009:
1. Whenever Pat Angerer’s name was announced we added extra “er”s. Max participation is crucial for this one. It sounded like a small flock of seagulls, the birds not the band. So imagine, ““Tackle made by Pat Angerer”...er...er...er......er.” So that would have been a massive crowd of three or four Hawk fans, each adding an ‘er’ or two with all the rythmn a bunch of whitebread Iowans can muster. I know, Go Iowa Awsome, eh?
Okay we’ll need to watch the Colts’ preseason to keep that one alive.
2. Adrian Clayborn is a great player and more importantly great for Hawkeye traditions since he has such great stories. Every time he was announced last year we would add, “Adrian Clayborn! Adrian Clayborn!!” in falsetto, after his escape from a sideline fatal attraction. I even do it alone at home watching the odd replay on BTN.
This year AC is going exponential. Not only is he getting the Glenn Close (that woman has always creeped me out), but also a little sumpin’ sumpin’ in honor of the Large One dispensing some much needed street justice on a racist cabby. After "Adrian Clayborn! Adrian Clayborn!!," we stand up, reach in a make believe cab, pull out a hand full of cracker and deliver a front side/back side bi!*atch slap, with sound effects -- awesome -- and then put him back in the cab. (You know it wasn’t a punch since the guy lived.) It will be epically awesome, with at times up to almost 10 rabid Hawk fans joining in.
As for a new er, tradition to replace the man who’s name sputters to a stop, I have some ideas, and maybe a winner. You can’t go with more than two traditions, maybe three if they are really good, and one isn’t enough. We need another. Here are the candidates:
A. When Sash picks one or kicks some, shout in unison, “Tyler M@%!/$ F*&@ing Sash! Well, can’t do that exactly. It’s taken already and there are kids in the crowd. If they are going to hear swearing it should be their parents doing it, and usually is. So I thought, “T, MFS!!” But initials are obtuse even for me, and it just sounds lame said out loud. eh....
B. An obvious one is to say, “Great American!” each time the Manzi’s name is mentioned. The problem is he is mentioned all the time, and the idea is not to turn this into a chore, like when you have to do the gestapo, gator chomp thing on yet another opponent’s 3rd down conversion attempt beat to dust. Not that I’m complaining...
C. It doesn’t look like he’ll be back, this year anyway, but if he did return, every time he got announced, “First down for Wegher,” we could point at him, go Tonto and say, “There... ger!” for reasons obvious. Or if your feelin’ sassy, “Who’s your daddy?”
So not those but maybe one of these:
1. “You... Shall Not... Pass!!” with a Gandalfian slam of an imaginary staff after a sack, OR “You Shall Not Pass, Buddy Boy!” with a GanDolphian shoulder lean forward. That one could have staying power, thus violating the new Big 10 standards for traditon. -- I’ve used that already, and my friend Eric, who was at his first football game ever exclaimed, “Oh, I love the film reference!”
OR (This one is last for a reason. Follow me people.)
2. He’ll be the Hawkeye career leader in receptions, and yet he’s just a co-starter with Colin Sandeman. His sarcasm alone should put him in the Iowa Hall of Fame, Pride... whatever. He can take it to the house or get the tough first down yards. He keeps Captain Kirk’s life interesting -- ever see him make that Daman Wayans naughty baby look? Oh yeah, interesting. He does all this for us and what does he want in return, only one thing. HE WANTS TO BE ON TWITTER. Is that too much to ask (and Ferentz says, “Hell yes.”)? Dad isn’t going to let that happen, and be in by Midnight on Saturdays too. So I say, Iowa, we can give a little back. He can’t tweet, but we can. Every time Derrell runs the route no else seems capable of to get a first down, or a double move for a 31 yarder we “Tweet!” repeatedly with all the whitebread rythmn a bunch of Iowans can muster. “First down catch by DJK.” “Tweet... tweet..tweet........tweettweet....tweet.....................Tweet.” Like a small flock of seagulls, the birds not the band. Epic.
Somebody’s gotta do it.